A.R.E You There For Me?

What is a healthy relationship? Given the number of books, movies, and Instagram posts about modern love and relationships it’s clear that many of us are interested in learning how to foster healthy relationships in our lives. 

However, ask anyone who’s decided to make a change in the way they show up in their relationship, with a vow like, “I’m not going to yell at my partner anymore” and they’ll tell you that cultivating a healthy relationship isn’t always as simple as it seems.

Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, suggests that a healthy relationship requires partners that are:

A . Accessible - Can I call on you when I need you?

R . Responsive - Will you turn to me and support me? 

E . Engaged - Will you stay present with me emotionally? 

In their struggles couples are asking themselves, “A.R.E you there for me?”. If the answer is no, then conflict and hurt, in some form, will likely ensue. If the answer is yes, then the partners know they have a safe and secure foundation to return to. 

For some, thinking about relationships in these terms is a bit of a shift. Most of us have been told that adults need to act like grown ups who know how to take care of themselves without the help of others. Emotionally Focused Therapy sees things a bit differently. It suggests that we need our partners to help us when we’re distressed. No one can go it alone. We need others. 

We’re shooting for constructive interdependence - not unhealthy over reliance or rigid independence, but a balance right in the middle; knowing that our person is there to comfort us when we need it most. 

Looking for guidance on how to create a relationship characterized by A.R.E? 

Sue Johnson’s book “Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” is a great place to start.