Good (Emotional) Fences Make Good Neighbours

You know the saying “good fences make good neighbours”? That’s the perfect image to hold in our minds when setting boundaries. Fences aren’t impenetrable, but they provide a certain level of protection and carve out personal space. You can choose to invite others into your space, but they aren’t free to trample through your backyard as they please. 

It’s important to clarify the purpose of setting boundaries - it isn’t about punishing others, shutting people out, or becoming overly rigid in our relationships. Rather, it’s about protecting and honoring the good stuff that we have inside. It’s about not letting your love and care for others erode your own sense of self-care and wellbeing. 

Some common reasons that people struggle with boundaries as adults are: 

Your boundaries weren’t honored as a child. Your needs weren’t respected, and you internalized the message that your needs aren’t important and not worth sticking up for.

You were a ‘parentified’ child. Your parents projected their own needs onto you. You were so involved in taking care of your parents' needs, that your own needs were put on hold. 

You were taught that “good girls” and “good guys” care about the needs of others more than their own. 

It can be challenging to stand your ground and hang onto your boundaries when someone huffs and puffs and threatens to blow your fence down. However, when people cross our boundaries we can end up feeling depleted, resentful, powerless, or hurt. The key is to start small and practice often.