How close is too close?

Here we are, post-holiday season. Many of us spent time visiting immediate and extended family over the holiday break. For some, family gatherings are a source of connection and joy, but many others spend the new year trying to regain their emotional legs after holiday contact. 

If you fall into the later category it might be helpful to consider the level of differentiation in your family. Put simply, differentiation is the extent to which members in a family are able to be unique individuals that are comfortable maintaining healthy emotional closeness with their family. In essence, each family member is able to be their authentic self, while not getting ‘swallowed up’ by the group dynamics of the family. 

If a family is not well-differentiated then the opposite of differentiation can be present - enmeshment. This is when family boundaries are overly permeable and (adult) children are not permitted to develop individual identity, preferences, and values. 

So, how do I know if I’m enmeshed with my family? 

Let’s stick with the holiday theme. Did you hear any of these comments at your holiday gatherings? 

“Have you decided what you’re going to do after university? You know that I have always hoped that you would become a teacher like your Aunt Cheryl. I know that’s what would make you happy”. 

“How’s your relationship going? You know I’m not so fond of that guy I see in your facebook photos. I think you could do better”. 

“Why did you wear that mousy coloured sweater? You look much better in the one that I got you that suits your hair colour”. 

“I know we’ve all been stress eating with Covid, but I think it’s time to think about losing some weight”. 

The new year can be an excellent time to reflect on your family dynamics. What boundaries do you need to set with yourself and with your family to experience a more authentic family visit next year? The book ‘Family Ties That Bind” by Dr. Ronald Richardson can be a great resource to help you unpack your experience of growing up in your family of origin. 

Wishing you growth and wellness in 2022!